mf

You know that thing where you’ve tried to explain something to various people, over and over, and you always get a reaction that is, at best, something like “omg you’re so weird”? Like maybe you're trying to explain what it's like to talk to your favourite library clerk, or you're explaining that you've come up with a plot for the perfect Christmas movie, or you're talking about characterization in Harry Potter. And every time it's like "cool, you do you" or maybe a side-eye or maybe just "...ok?"

But then one day. One day. You're explaining that same thing to someone and they kind of move their head a little and say something like "do you mean, like [thing you were trying to say but more coherent and succinct]?" And then you feel, even if you don't hear, the song Thank You for Being a Friend playing in the background and it's amazing?

I’ve been thinking about lust-driven stories a lot. I was reading Venus In Furs over the holidays and wondering why I can't think of a lot of similar narratives, and the question stayed with me because the thing about Sacher-Masoch is that when Venus in Furs was published it was meant to be interesting on a literary and intellectual level, as well as on an erotic level. Which I think it is, personally. I think it has a lot to offer? So I was reading it and I kept trying to work out what was striking me as unusual about it, that is, what it was that I felt some other narratives could benefit from but were strangely choosing not to incorporate. What is it about the way Sacher-Masoch's narrator describes what's happening that makes it riveting in that specific way, like not just in a AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS? way but also in a visceral, physical way? The closest I could get to describing it was to say that it was like fic, as in, the thing about fic that's still missing from most of my other reading experiences.

So that's how, during this year's annual holiday rewatch of The Lord of the Rings, I ended up having a full scale oh hey that's it that's the thing! moment during the scenes where the Nazgûl approach and Frodo gets weird. Not the lust, obviously.* The pace, the rhythm, the making you feel it in your gut thing. When the hobbits are on Weathertop, there is a drawn-out moment where they can only hear the riders approaching, but they're looking at darkness, and I just thought, terror is like lust in that right there, right in that moment, it is important for there to only be the idea of the terrifying thing, long before the thing itself appears.

Anyway I was hanging out with my friend Maude a couple weeks ago and I started trying to explain this to her, so I showed her this list I made:

suggested > seen
idea > implementation
anticipation
atmosphere
progression
'what do they want from me?'
'what do I want?'
'what am I prepared to do?'
'what am I prepared to sacrifice?'
and sometimes 'who am I?'

I think that one of the side effects of writing fic, which is a relatively recent development for me, is increased awareness of plot structure. I've always been interested in the construction of things, but just like playing music makes listening a different experience, writing stuff makes reading a wildly different thing. I feel like I'm on permanent HOW DID YOU CREATE THAT EMOTION AND HOW CAN I DO IT TOO standby.

But let me tell you another side effect: it also makes me 200% more irritated over botched storylines. Wait, no - that's not it. I mean, irritation over bad storytelling when it feels like it stems from a systemic issue. (I actually think I'm more patient with floppy storytelling in general, particularly on sitcoms, because now that I know what it feels like to write stuff without a deadline or constraints I'm REALLY FORGIVING towards whoever wrote stuff on horrific deadline with dozens of constraints of the "this actor/location/song/quote/etc was supposed to be available but now they're not" variety and then ALSO had to be funny.) What I'm thinking about is botched storytelling that seems systemic. Like, is it just me, or is there a lot of media that's way more inexperienced at building a lust-driven story than we should be reasonably allowed to expect? Surely there shouldn't be that many attraction scenes in books/tv/movies that make me think "wtf, it's not that hard?"

Maude's reaction, when I started to explain this, was to skip several conversational steps and go straight to "...misogyny?" which was what I'd thought too. Erotic fiction is a genre thing that's usually marketed to women, so presumably patriarchy, etc etc. We also decided that writing lust is hard (no pun intended) and that probably christian modesty has a hand in keeping genuinely evocative lust out of our eyeballs in mass media contexts. That said, over lunch, Maude and I were more interested in discussing the fact that we were being denied good depictions of unresolved sexual tension between stepsiblings, so our cultural analysis didn't go all that far.

When I talk about my thoughts, interests, and ideas, I tend to do it in a way that can work on several levels. I didn't know that I did that. I didn't realize that I tend to formulate what I'm saying so it can sound like I'm just aiming for a "obviously this is niche so I'm assuming you will patiently listen but won't care" tone that could easily be understood as "if you are into this please tell every single one of your thoughts" instead. You know? Like if I don't already know approximately how they're going to react, I'm always expecting my interlocutors to not care about the things I care about. But I didn't even notice I was doing that. I only noticed when I started experiencing not that way more often. (I also recently noticed that I tend to expect people to not follow me when I'm explaining things, and that I've spent pretty much my entire life assuming that it's because I'm bad at explaining. Turns out that's wrong, but that's a topic for another day.) I don't know whether I'm going to change how I approach discussions of my interests, but I'm definitely going to stop taking the default position that my interests are things other people don't care about, if only in my own head.

Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's never too late to hang out with the people who make you feel like, when you are together, bards are celebrating the amazingness of your friendship through song.

Stop by in the comments with your thoughts on lust-driven narratives, side-effects of writing, depictions that are being denied to you, or just to say hi and discuss totally unrelated subjects!

*I mean. I think we can all agree that lust isn't entirely absent there. But you know what I mean.