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emef at 10:23pm on 24/01/2019
emef at 10:23pm on 24/01/2019Hi ok so I'm about to maybe be petty for a minute! Or - well I'm not actually sure. This might be a trivial social thing, or it might not!
I've been going through old notes, documents, photos, etc that I labelled "to be sorted" and dumped in my dropbox ages ago. There were some screencaps as well, and some of them were of messages from people saying nice things on various social media, and that was kind of nice! So I made them a special folder for, you know. When I need extra armour against my brainweasels.
Right, so that's where I am, clicking on unlabelled screencaps to figure out which folder to put them in, when I click on one and it turns out to be this:
Which gave me pause. This... is from someone who ghosted me. Well -
Ok wait this needs an explanation, but I'll explain quick! I promise, I'll edit out the bits aren't narratively useful and then I'll just need a couple paragraphs. It goes: one day I realized that this person had to have muted me on twitter (which is where I'm most active.) Not blocked on unfollowed - just muted. Which is fair! Sometimes you need a break from someone. Idk I guess I kept picturing my therapist telling me about how I can't read other people's minds and I can't therefore guess what people mean when they're silent and therefore definitely can't be expected to know when/if they want me to react to silence. So yeah.
BUT (there's a but!) some time later, for reasons that do not need exploring at this juncture, I felt unusually uncomfortable at the thought of people who act benign but are actually hostile, and there was something about this particular fandom friend... Anyway I DMed them and they confirmed that they had definitely softblocked me after the "tone and content" of my tweets started pissing them off. They weren't more specific than that.
So that's why I said they ghosted me. And that's why that screencap gave me pause because - and here is why I'm writing this - it's just so toxic. That screencap? That message? That is not buddies. A person who actually cares about you will tell you when you piss them off. Like maybe they won't immediately have the spoons for it, that can happen, but like. They'll tell you.
Anyway now I'm not sure how to wrap this entry up! Apologies if this was overshare-y and/or petty in a boring way. If you've read all the way to the end please comment with your best toxic friendship anecdote.
I've been going through old notes, documents, photos, etc that I labelled "to be sorted" and dumped in my dropbox ages ago. There were some screencaps as well, and some of them were of messages from people saying nice things on various social media, and that was kind of nice! So I made them a special folder for, you know. When I need extra armour against my brainweasels.
Right, so that's where I am, clicking on unlabelled screencaps to figure out which folder to put them in, when I click on one and it turns out to be this:
Which gave me pause. This... is from someone who ghosted me. Well -
Ok wait this needs an explanation, but I'll explain quick! I promise, I'll edit out the bits aren't narratively useful and then I'll just need a couple paragraphs. It goes: one day I realized that this person had to have muted me on twitter (which is where I'm most active.) Not blocked on unfollowed - just muted. Which is fair! Sometimes you need a break from someone. Idk I guess I kept picturing my therapist telling me about how I can't read other people's minds and I can't therefore guess what people mean when they're silent and therefore definitely can't be expected to know when/if they want me to react to silence. So yeah.
BUT (there's a but!) some time later, for reasons that do not need exploring at this juncture, I felt unusually uncomfortable at the thought of people who act benign but are actually hostile, and there was something about this particular fandom friend... Anyway I DMed them and they confirmed that they had definitely softblocked me after the "tone and content" of my tweets started pissing them off. They weren't more specific than that.
So that's why I said they ghosted me. And that's why that screencap gave me pause because - and here is why I'm writing this - it's just so toxic. That screencap? That message? That is not buddies. A person who actually cares about you will tell you when you piss them off. Like maybe they won't immediately have the spoons for it, that can happen, but like. They'll tell you.
Anyway now I'm not sure how to wrap this entry up! Apologies if this was overshare-y and/or petty in a boring way. If you've read all the way to the end please comment with your best toxic friendship anecdote.
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This is so true! Many of my friendships have had to pass this test, and I appreciate those people because of it.
My most toxic "friendships" was with a woman from work with a victim complex the size of Texas. She pretty much would make every interaction about her and how everyone was out to get her. I was not invested enough to explain that most people probably just couldn't stand her deeply negative and self-centered approach to all human interaction. In the end she moved away and I breathed a sigh of relief.
I still follow her on facebook for the entertainment value though.
edit: ALSO, your post brings up interesting points about online-origin or online-only relationships, in that ghosting is much easier. If you saw someone regularly face to face, I think you'd be more likely to have a real argument at some point, after which you might reach some emotional conclusion that offers closure, whether that's "let's work through this" or "never speak to me again".
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