posted by ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
emef at 05:58pm on 17/08/2019
emef at 05:58pm on 17/08/2019First: HELLO FROM FANWORKSCON IT IS GREAT AND EVERYONE HERE IS GREAT
Ok now content. Warning for discussion of past self-loathing and body appearance stuff. Earlier this week I had a minor epiphany about myself and my partner and the way we deal with Situations (neighbour disputes, that kind of thing.) He is sometimes passive in a way that confuses me, and I sometimes act on things in a way that confuses him.
The major difference between us is that everyone always likes him, while people do not always like me. And the thing is, I have a history of having no idea why people are angry at me, and therefore, an indifference to this anger that my partner does not have.
So the strength that he has, the tool he has at his disposal for dealing with Situations is, people liking him and paying attention to what he wants.
While mine is an ability to override the instinctual fear of telling people things that they don't want to hear.
So it makes sense my partner would sometimes choose not to speak up in situations where he's not sure how people will react, while I sometimes choose to behave in a ways that probably look reckless.
Now I'm at FanWorksCon and it is suddenly occurring to me that something similar might be at play for me in terms of writing/posting fic?
Because at one of the panels yesterday we talked about what scares us and many of the answers were "what if someone wrote the same thing I want to write but better" or "what if it's irrelevant" but I sat there thinking, what scares me is (1) what if I never finish it and (2) what if I'm deluding myself.
And what I suspect is, those are my fears because I already think that the things I write are irrelevant and/or that someone else did it better, so I don't have the other fears. Or rather, I'm desensitized to them. If I'm writing at all I'm writing despite feeling like people won't be interested in what comes out. The fear of not finishing and the fear that I'm kidding myself are fears that tend to fade in and out so they're the ones for which I'm not wearing permanent armour. Or maybe I mean: I'm not as desensitized.
It also occurs to me that something like this is at play regarding personal appearance.
My relationship with my appearance has never been an easy one. I looked much older than I was before I even reached puberty and people were already looking at me in a way that I couldn't parse but felt uncomfortable about; my first serious relationship was with someone who fully acknowledged how much my appearance meant to him, and how much the reactions of other people to my appeance meant to him; but also, all sorts of people have been reproachful about my appearance for all sorts of reasons. I've had every flavour of self-loathing etc.
So now I have limited energy for reactions to my appearance, but at the same time, I feel shameless about clothing/grooming. I assume I will never correctly anticipate how people will react to the way I'm dressed, so most of my energy is spent trying to figure out what I, personally, think is awesome (which is harder than you might think. Knowing my own preferences: that's the real challenge.)
Ok that's it those are my thoughts! "But emef," you ask, "what is the point of your entry?" I'm not sure! It might be "different experiences -> different fears"? "FanWorksCon is great and everyone attending is great"? "[Insert clever observation here]"? I don't know, I don't know. Tell me your fears (if you're comfortable with that)!
Ok now content. Warning for discussion of past self-loathing and body appearance stuff. Earlier this week I had a minor epiphany about myself and my partner and the way we deal with Situations (neighbour disputes, that kind of thing.) He is sometimes passive in a way that confuses me, and I sometimes act on things in a way that confuses him.
The major difference between us is that everyone always likes him, while people do not always like me. And the thing is, I have a history of having no idea why people are angry at me, and therefore, an indifference to this anger that my partner does not have.
So the strength that he has, the tool he has at his disposal for dealing with Situations is, people liking him and paying attention to what he wants.
While mine is an ability to override the instinctual fear of telling people things that they don't want to hear.
So it makes sense my partner would sometimes choose not to speak up in situations where he's not sure how people will react, while I sometimes choose to behave in a ways that probably look reckless.
Now I'm at FanWorksCon and it is suddenly occurring to me that something similar might be at play for me in terms of writing/posting fic?
Because at one of the panels yesterday we talked about what scares us and many of the answers were "what if someone wrote the same thing I want to write but better" or "what if it's irrelevant" but I sat there thinking, what scares me is (1) what if I never finish it and (2) what if I'm deluding myself.
And what I suspect is, those are my fears because I already think that the things I write are irrelevant and/or that someone else did it better, so I don't have the other fears. Or rather, I'm desensitized to them. If I'm writing at all I'm writing despite feeling like people won't be interested in what comes out. The fear of not finishing and the fear that I'm kidding myself are fears that tend to fade in and out so they're the ones for which I'm not wearing permanent armour. Or maybe I mean: I'm not as desensitized.
It also occurs to me that something like this is at play regarding personal appearance.
My relationship with my appearance has never been an easy one. I looked much older than I was before I even reached puberty and people were already looking at me in a way that I couldn't parse but felt uncomfortable about; my first serious relationship was with someone who fully acknowledged how much my appearance meant to him, and how much the reactions of other people to my appeance meant to him; but also, all sorts of people have been reproachful about my appearance for all sorts of reasons. I've had every flavour of self-loathing etc.
So now I have limited energy for reactions to my appearance, but at the same time, I feel shameless about clothing/grooming. I assume I will never correctly anticipate how people will react to the way I'm dressed, so most of my energy is spent trying to figure out what I, personally, think is awesome (which is harder than you might think. Knowing my own preferences: that's the real challenge.)
Ok that's it those are my thoughts! "But emef," you ask, "what is the point of your entry?" I'm not sure! It might be "different experiences -> different fears"? "FanWorksCon is great and everyone attending is great"? "[Insert clever observation here]"? I don't know, I don't know. Tell me your fears (if you're comfortable with that)!
(no subject)
I have a lot of social misunderstanding anxiety/saying the wrong thing, which I've talked to you about before. Which probably stems from having gone to 5 different primary schools and making successively less friends each time.
Beyond that, I'd have to say my biggest fear is falling back into that cycle of depression I experienced from 15 to 30 something. It's terrifying to think I might have to experience that again and have to claw my way out.
(no subject)
I think, ultimately, it's about being a disappointment. Not just doing a shit job at something, but having given someone a reason to believe in me and then fucking it up. That's the worst thing.
I'm not even sure why that's the thing for me. Is it just garden variety gifted child bullshit remnants? Is it that I experienced some particularly bad moment of someone else's disappointment? If so, it's not one I can remember. Is it just 'I have anxiety problems'? IDK it doesn't even feel like it's a question that makes sense to answer. Of course that's the worst thing. Of course it is.
Your post also made me think about whether there's anything I'm shameless about, and I don't think there is. What would it even feel like to not overthink things?
(Hi, this is me having responded to your post by talking entirely about me, hope that's not disappointing, hahahaha oh god)
(no subject)
In fic-writing, I feel like for the most part I am pretty shameless - I guess my attitude is I write for myself first and foremost, and if anyone else likes it that's a bonus. But actually, if I scratch the surface, I think I'm scared to write/post things that give too much of myself away. I have some kinks that I'm not totally comfortable with, and I have written about them, but usually coming at them obliquely - tweaking some of the elements so that it's not too close to the truth of what I really enjoy. So, if I'm not misusing the term, I guess I'm scared of writing/posting id-fic? Not sure why - I don't expect to get flamed for it or anything. Maybe I'm convinced that what I like is so weird that nobody else could ever possibly enjoy it, so it'd be unforgivably self-indulgent for me to post it? And/or maybe I'm scared of making myself that vulnerable (pretty sure that's a broader problem I have).
In general, oh, tons of things scare me XD Anything that involves spontaneous human interaction where the other person might react with the slightest hint of disapproval, for a start :P despite how a lot of the time I might come across as shameless. Kind of similar to you, I spent a lot of my formative years constantly receiving messages that I was 'weird' - how I dressed, how I acted - and so I took the can't-win desensitized attack-as-defence approach of just embracing it and saying fuck the haters. Which works great with actual haters, but leaves me kind of at a loss for how to deal with, well, just neutral parties...