mf

I've been watching videos about narcissistic abuse.

At first I just found them inexplicably soothing but then over time they became something like a resource? Like... I feel like I have a framework to think about some behaviours, when I didn't before. With a side of "oh you mean other people find that behaviour toxic?" It's been a bit of a relevation.

Not that I would ever dream of armchair diagnosing narcissism. It's more like - ok here's an example. So this morning, in a meeting at the music school where I teach, one person did the following things:

(1) asked about marginal/edge cases that weren't on the agenda
(2) wanted the school administration to establish and enforce boundaries in their place
(3) had poor listening skills; asked about things that had been discussed and decided minutes before
(4) did not thank other teachers for their help
(5) sat weirdly far away from everyone else
(6) literally said none of the students met expectations

Which are all common behaviours in narcissists. Now, I don't care whether this person is a narcissist or just having a bad day - that's not the point. The point is, it's safe to assume that this person's priority, in that moment, was not the students. The students may not be low of their list of priorities, and this person may be a perfectly good teacher. But in that moment, higher on the priorities list than the students, was their self-esteem, a self-esteem that is disproportionately weak.

So it's like: for me, what I get out of thinking of this situation this way, is that it allows me to approach it in a realistic way. For a start, I think of the entire thing as indicative of this person's self-esteem. I.e. if I'm thinking of the entire meeting as a problem to fix, then I identify the problem as this person's self-esteem (so: not their opinions, not their people skills, not their educational philosophy, etc). And then, with that lucidity, I'm able to think of it as: ok, can I do anything to fix this problem? And I'm sure you can anticipate the answer: no. I cannot, single-handedly, fix this person's self-esteem. Or even help it in that situation.

One of the reasons that this has been a bit of a revelation is that I've, in a way, realized that some things I learned to think of as normal, maybe aren't.

So, for example, when I said something in a meeting this morning, and one of my colleagues disagreed, historically I would have found that unsettling because I was taught that if you don't react to someone disagreeing with you, you're tacitly acknowledging that they are correct. But this morning it was like I realized, for maybe the first time? That the concept of "if you don't react to someone saying you're wrong, you are acknowledging that they are correct" is something that was taught to me by people either engaging in, or aping, narcissistic behaviour. It turns out, lots of people don't see "not reacting to being contradicted" as an acknowledgment.

Fic: Just kiss me and then tell me it's going to be fine.
Fandom: Elis James and John Robins (aka the niche corner of the niche corner of britcom RPF)
Pairing: Elis/John
Tags: pining, anonymous letters

6239 words

What if — what if John has been sending him anonymous letters? Surely not. But. But what if he has?

Is there a word for the effect of gaslighting but not the intent? As in, what it feels like? I don't really want to get into a discussion of whether it's possible for someone to feel destabilized about their perception of reality without another person (or group of people) intending to make them feel that way, I'm just trying to explain the sensation of being on the receiving end.

I feel like when there is a discussion of gaslighting, the focus is often on the tactics and the abuser's motivations, and so that's what people think about when they hear the word. Like, they picture sinister motives. When I try to explain what if feels like to have a lack of confidence about my own perceptions, I hesitate to use the word - I want to avoid accidentally finding myself in a discussion of whether there's anyone actually intending to make me feel that way (particularly since, ironically, that would compound the issue.)

Anyway I've tried to look it up but as far as I can tell there's no specific word for "that thing when all of a sudden your brain's main occupation is fact-checking. Except it's fact-checking itself."

I've been gushing about Con to my s.o. since getting home yesterday and it occurs to me - I have these occasional moments of clarity - that dreamwidth might find my recounting of every minute detail slightly more compelling. ( convention hijinks below the cut )

First: HELLO FROM FANWORKSCON IT IS GREAT AND EVERYONE HERE IS GREAT

Ok now content. Warning for discussion of past self-loathing and body appearance stuff. ( regarding fears )

yesterday I was re-reading The Secret History. [spoilers forthcoming] There's this bit near the end about students wondering how their favourite professor would react to knowing they'd murdered someone, and all of a sudden I had this image of my violin students and I was wondering, how I would react if my students told me that they'd done something horrific? Would I go to the police? I was slightly surprised to find that my reaction was a feeble, I would need to think about it.

what my writing workshop friend asks: "what's on your mind?"

what's on my mind: one time, I wrote a POI story that included this dialogue: “Don’t like the rain, Sir?” “Well, Reese, notwithstanding my likely lowered defenses against bacterial and viral attack, this rain is growing to Noachian Flood proportions, and I do not know how to swim.” and I'm never going to top that

what I say: "nothing, you?"

post the summaries of your top 10 works by kudos...

When I get lucky, a summary occurs to me in the middle of writing, and I remember to write it down. When I get really lucky, I succeed in getting someone to write the summary for me. But most of the time I scroll through the story until something makes me think "oh fine that'll do."

1. The Raven Project, Person of Interest, Reese/Finch

Reese tries to tail Finch over and over but never sees his home. Eventually, his imagination starts to run away with him.

2. An Unstoppable Force, Person of Interest, Reese/Finch

John is still trying to figure out this little mouse of a woman who’s hired him, who can do anything with computers and has more money than God and who can barely walk and yet somehow always manages to evade him, who won’t tell him anything about herself but who says she knows everything about him – and he knows that can’t be true, it can’t –

When he realizes, she’s actually attracted to him.

3. Touch, Person of Interest, Reese/Finch

Knowing that Reese is looking for him, and knowing that Reese knows about his own surveillance, is like having a tacit, bilateral, voyeurism agreement. An agreement that has allowed Finch to know that Reese lets people flirt with him, but turns them down. That Reese has been, as far as Finch can tell, sublimating his libido. Well. Until now, apparently.

4. Are You So Oblivious, Harry Potter, Harry/Draco

"In the name of inter-departmental cooperation," Malfoy says flatly, "I cede to your authority."

a.k.a the magic dildo story

5. Are you ready (for what I'm about to do to you?), Person of Interest, Reese/Finch

"Will you ever tell me your real name, Harold?"

"You know several of my real names, John."

6. All the things we don't talk about, third and last part, Person of Interest, Reese/Finch

The one where some boarding school kids are delinquency masterminds, and Reese doesn't have time for epiphanies.

7. All the things we don't talk about, Person of Interest, Reese/Finch

Finch moved his hand, and asked Reese to follow it with his eyes. He made a tiny clucking noise. Which was absurd because Finch appeared to be just as addled and confounded as Reese. "Mr. Reese, you're not well… You should get some rest."

8. Sleepwalk To Me, Life With Derek, Casey/Derek

This is what Derek’s life has come to: lying awake in the early hours of the morning and thinking about boner protocol.

9. All the things we don't talk about, second part., Person of Interest, Reese/Finch

Finch had left his glasses on the office desk, as a kind of wordless request: please don't look for me.

The one where John Reese pines like a motherfucking forest, and the story does not get to the resolution. Yet.

10. A Bottomless Well of Jealousy, Person of Interest, Reese/Finch

Wherein John and Harold eventually attempt communication despite being wildly incompetent at it.

Fic: But All I Want Is You
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Pairing: Abigail/Sam/Sebastian
Tags: mystery, intimacy, OT3, secrets, magic

3709 words

We each sat in a different corner of Sebastian’s bedroom with a pen and paper, and chose a theme. I wanted to do rainy days, but Sam spoke up first.

“Soul mates.”

so there's this bit in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead where a character describes Shakespeare plays as a variety of combinations of blood, love and rhetoric.

For me, ever since I saw the film version, it's been one of those brain thingies that stayed in my head ever since. Something about the simultaneous accuracy and comedy of it? The way the explanation is matter-of-fact but also kind of flamboyant? I don't know. The words go through my mind every time someone is asked to explain how options can combine, no matter what those options are or how many.

A few years ago there was a meme in which, among other things, authors were asked to say choose three words to describe themselves and their work, and that's where my brain went. I remember the moment I saw the meme really specifically, actually, for some reason - I was at my former office, making myself coffee in the kitchen, and just started giggling. And then it occurred to me that I could actually *use* that quote to describe my Authorial Mission Statement, so I did and posted the quote, changing the words blood, love, and rhetoric to pining, social commentary and dick jokes, at the top of my tumblr.

I'd forgotten about it until today, but it turns out that I still think it's hilarious and 100% accurate:

We're more of the pining, social commentary and dick jokes school. Well, we can do you pining and social commentary without the dick jokes, and we can do you pining and dick jokes without the social commentary, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can't give you social commentary and dick jokes without the pining. Pining is compulsory. They're all pining, you see.

Anyway what's up, Dreamwidth friends? Do you have Authorial Mission Statements? Or quotes that go through your mind all the time?